Monday, June 9, 2008

my pathetic realization and the mommyness of mommyhood

HOLY MOLY! If you've been missing me it's because my internet has been down for two days. I was so livid. 2 ENTIRE DAYS? SERIOUSLY? Apparently a fiber had been cut or something. I DON'T CARE WHAT'S WRONG, JUST FIX MY FLIPPIN INTERNET!

This dilemma caused me to come to a pathetic realization... I spend WAY too much time on here. I had no idea what to do with myself. I'd try the internet, and just sit there, wondering what in the world to do with my time. Gee, maybe I could file those papers over there from 2007. Nah. Try the internet again. Maybe I could start painting the bathroom. Nah. Try the internet again. Maybe I could sort through the kids' clothes that are too small. Nah. Try the internet again. There are so many little projects that need done and I couldn't make myself do ONE of them. This has proven to be a TRUE excuse for procrastination, more so than I ever realized.

I was finally looking forward to a good night's sleep last night since Raven and I were feeling better. The moment I laid down, (it's ALWAYS THAT moment) Otter started crying complaining that his mouth hurt (aka throat.) I gave him a drink of water and told him sleep would make him feel better, but I knew damn well he was getting the same shit I had, and sleep is along the lines of impossible. He did do a great job of TRYING to sleep, but the whining and moaning continued. I made him a bed on the floor in my room. How would you like to watch a movie? Yes. That will be perfect. I'll turn on the movie, he'll watch, I'll sleep. Yes. I snuggle up in my warm cozy bed, and what else would happen but... Raven starts screaming. I go into her room and try EVERYTHING! Pacifier. Blanky. Bottle. Holding. Rocking. Walking. Nothing!

At this moment, feeling so tired it hurts, it seems difficult to remember exactly WHY I always dreamt of being a mother, because THIS REALLY SUCKS. And then I think to myself, there are women who dream of doing exactly what I'm doing right now. Sleep deprivation. Screaming. Whining. Husband in bed sleeping pretending he doesn't hear any of it. MISERY. They want that. They can't have it. I have it. But I also have moments of sheer amazingness. I look at my kids and think, wow, those are MY kids, they came from me, they're mine. Isn't it so amazing? What miracles God has created.

So I hold my crying daughter. I can sleep later. I decide to give this magical teething lotion that my doctor prescribed a try (it really is magical.) It worked. Good night my angel. I get back into bed knowing I'm truly fooling myself because Otter will be up the entire night. Wouldn't ya know, he slept peacefully until morning. Miracles.

And this moment right now. I've put the kids to bed. Otter is now crying because his mouth hurts again. Hubby is yelling at me to come upstairs and help him out. That poor man. I bet he has his hand full. ;) So I will go upstairs, and be the hero that is never the hero but only the mom. But being only Mom is more than I could ever dream of. Nighty-Night.

1 cleansing comments:

Rachel said...

hmmmmmmm. I'm right there with you on this one. We all go through times where we feel exactly like that. Sadly, I can never admit it in front of my mother-in-law because apparently that generation of mommies never felt negative feelings towards mommyhood. Wow, musta been nice. Oh, to be them. ;)

p.s. do you have a Instant Messenger service you use? I'd love to just chat sometime If you'd like. mine is: allrowelldup on AIM or adifferentkindagirl on myspace IM Hit me up sometime!

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