people in review #5

Mary-Kate Olsen Splits from Boyfriend
Michelle can't have a boyfriend. She's 6.

SeaWorld Trainer Dies in Killer Whale Attack
Which is why, my friends, they're called "killer" whales.

Jessica Simpson Steps Out to Dinner in Chicago
You'll never guess with who...Yep, the hair dresser.

INSIDE STORY: How Angelina and Dad Jon Voight Are Healing Their Rift
I didn't know that was her dad! No wonder! It's not hard to be famous when your dad is. Cheater.

Johnny Depp's Kids Give Alice a Thumbs-Up
...to years of therapy.

Brittany Murphy Had No Signs of Drug, Alcohol Abuse
Uh, just elevated levels of Vicodin and drugs from over-the-counter cold medicine in her system.

Jessica Alba's Late-Night Burger Snack
Must we know everything about famous people? Who really cares if she ate a flippin hamburger?

Confirmed: Andrew Koenig's Body Found
Suicide #2 and can we not find a better quality photo?

Army Wives's Catherine Bell Expecting Baby No. 2
She's 41. When I'm 41 I'll have a 22-yr-old, 19-yr-old, and a 16-yr-old, and hopefully that's it.

Pregnancy Makes Tiffani Thiessen Crave Red Meat
I hated prime rib until I was pregnant with Otter. Now it's my fave. Weird.

Is There Drama Between Simon and Ellen on Idol?
Duh. Who doesn't have drama with Simon?

Judge Approves Child Support for Bristol Palin
There goes Daddy's Playgirl money.

Gatorade Loses Its Thirst for Tiger Woods
Sponsor termination #3. Let this be a lesson to us all. Don't crash your SUV into a tree. ;)

The Bachelor's Chris Harrison: Jake Is 'Very Much In Love'
He says about Jake, “He’s still with the woman he chose, very much in love, and they’re doing great.” Of course they are, they've barely seen each other in six weeks. He touches on The Rozlyn issue and says that's the first time he was attacked in 9 years. Not bad. Chris, your job rocks. Can I have it?

Brooke Mueller Moves Rehab Team into Her Home
Are you kidding me?

Marie Osmond's Son Commits Suicide
Suicide #3

It's Official: Bachelor's Jason and Molly Get Hitched!
WOOHOO! The second Bachelor couple to tie the knot! Although I don't think they count because he didn't pick her first. Whatev. Deanna and Jesse were there. AWKWARD! Catch the big event on ABC March 8.

Bachelor Jake Hopes ‘Everybody Understands the Decision I Made’
"I just hope that everybody understands the decision I made because I’m the one who has to live with it." Uh, I don't think that's a good sign...

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo Adopt a Husky
Careful Nick. The last puppy you bought replaced you.

Bill Clinton Offered His Support to Tiger Woods
This is amusing on a number of levels. Don't be sad Tiger, the club is fun!

Jake Makes His Final Decision on The Bachelor
Reality Steve right again!

Kate Gosselin, Jake Pavelka to Compete on Dancing with the Stars
Good line-up this season! Can't wait to watch!

Ali Is the New Bachelorette!
No comment.

Jake's Bachelor Blog: 'I Am So In Love!'
Bets open. How long will it last?

The Bachelor's Tenley: I'm Happy for Jake and Vienna
{la la} Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together. {la la}

Naomi Campbell Wanted for Questioning After Allegedly Hitting Driver
Anger Management?

Jenna Dewan Really Cooking with Husband Channing Tatum
Channing Tatum's MARRIED? Where have I been?

Jessica Simpson: I Haven't Forgiven John Mayer
{la la} Forgiveness. Forgiveness. Even if. Even if. You don't love me anymore. {la la}