Wednesday, April 7, 2010

i was afraid of my child

Assuming Otter fell in the normal 90% of epilepsy cases, we expected the meds to work. He was almost 4. I woke up in the night. To the sound of gurgling. I ran into his room. I found my precious boy seizing. I screamed for Hubby. I left the room. I couldn't watch. Again.

As a parent, let me tell you. No matter how many grand mal seizures you watch your child experience, they NEVER get easier. Not for me. I was terrified to be alone with my own child. Do you have any idea how that made me feel as a mother? I was afraid. Of my 3-year-old child.

After a series of grand mals one night, Hubby went to work the next morning. Even though I begged and pleaded and cried in fear, wanting, NEEDING him to stay. I called my friend who lived a couple blocks away. I told her I'd call if he started seizing again, so she could come over and be with Raven in case I needed to go to the hospital.

The Beast started. I looked away. I called my friend. I started timing. One minute. Two minutes. Three minutes. "I'm going to the hospital."

We lived only a few blocks away from the hospital. When I arrived he was still seizing. I scooped up my boy and ran into the front doors, in my pajamas, bare foot, screaming for help. They took him from my arms. I collapsed. People stared at me with their hands over their mouths. Someone came and picked me up off the floor. It was like the scene of a movie.

He stopped seizing just as they were inserting the IV. He cried. He cried and cried and cried. I cried. He was scared. I was scared. We were scared.

I thank God everyday that he led us to a cure for this awful disease. My heart is racing reliving that moment. It will always be with me. I will always be afraid. It's not like we as mothers don't worry enough about our children the way it is.

Yes, he's in remission. Thank you God. But will it happen again? What if he's riding his bike? What if he's climbing the monkey bars? What if he's at the top of the slide? What if he's swimming? What if he's driving?

It will never end. I will always worry. I have to put my faith in God and trust that He will take care of my boy.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11


Linked at Shell's.

23 cleansing comments:

purseblogger said...

Oh my, I can't even imagine the fear you were going through. Your poor sweet boy. Thank goodness he's in remission. So amazing how far medicine has come. You are a wonderful mom! He's so lucky to have you. :)

Stacey said...

I can't even imagine. That brought tears to my eyes. I'm thankful for you that he's in remission. I can't even imagine the worry.

Beth P. said...

What a powerful post. I am so sorry you have to have that constant worry. My brother went to school with a friend who has epilepsy. He had surgery and is now symptom free, driving, and is extremely happy. I will hope and hope that your son experiences the same success.

Brandi said...

OH WOW! I can't imagine! Marlee having a heart problem was hard enough, I can't imagine if she had seizures!

Mommy Lisa said...

That is so scary...I understand your fear and tears.

But God is powerful and you know you will be able to handle whatever comes.

Peace.

Brittney said...

That is very scary! I completely understand. when my son got sick in Sept. I was scared i was terrified! I couldnt believe it! It is nothing a mother wants to go through! You are right though God takes care of us! *hugs* Im glad hes in remission and hope it stays that way

Kmama said...

I'm sitting at my desk, eating my lunch, and bawling my eyes out. Every.single.day I sit and wait and watch to see if another seizure comes. Of course, we never dealt with grand mals, which I'm thankful for.

What's really terrible, is that I kinda hope that a seizure does happen again. Because then he'll be put back on medicine and for us, the chances of another one happening are lessened. That's sick, isn't it?

Jessica said...

I am so sorry you and your family had to go through all that, but I am so happy God worked though your little man and gave you a cure! You are blessed!

Casey said...

Wow, I couldn't imagine going through that. I would be scared to and I don't think I could ever get the what ifs out of my head. I am praying that he stays in remission. God bless

Shell said...

That is one of my favorite Bible verses.

I can't imagine going through that. My Bear's illness wasn't like that, but I still look at him(at all my kids) and worry about them getting sick or having something seriously wrong. I make myself sick over it.

I don't know if it will ever go away. The fear.

Thanks for linking up.

Erin said...

Oh honey, my heart goes out to you. Thank God for a cure!

Adrienne said...

I am glad he is in remission but I can't imagine that I have a hard enough time with BUggy's asthma attacks only one took us to the hospital thank God but he is getting better and better each year Thats all we can do trust God

WonderWomanWannabe said...

Thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that. I can't imagine it, really. I'm so thankful he is in remission.

Miss Fit said...

New Follower. I couldn't be more delighted to hear that your son is in remission and pray that God floods you with peace every time you think about your sweet boy.

Much More Than Mommy said...

I can't imagine what kind of fear that was, and I am so glad to hear that he is doing better. Love and prayers to you and your family!

Stepping On Cheerios said...

I just got chills reading this...I'm so sorry you have to carry that fear with you.

You are a lot stronger then you think!

Missie said...

I know exactly how you feel and how you think about it every day wondering when and where. My son has had some serious health problems and had to have brain surgery when he was 10. More surgery is needed but not until he has some more symptoms. I'm always wondering if this will be the day he'll be hit with that headache that will never go away. Unless moms have a chronically ill child or have been thru a very scary health scare, they'll never understand what it's like everyday! Sending you some big hugs!

Laura said...

I cannot imagine. You are such a strong woman. Prayers that remission continues.

Mrs4444 said...

That must have been terrifying; my heart goes out to you, and I'm glad there's treatment. All you can do is have faith, I guess. I'm very glad that you do.

Danielle said...

Thank you so much for your post. my 'someday' MIL is a tough cookie and sometimes she and I butt heads about relationships, and while we've never butted heads about her daughter (she has epilepsy and is now in her 20s living in an awesome group home with 6 of her longtime best friends and great staff)....we haven't butted heads but it drives me NUTS how differently she treats my bf and his sister. Like her s*&^ doesnt stink and she can just cry and get whatever she wants and misbehave and there is no repercussion and meanwhile bf is guilt ridden by not calling his mom every other day.

(WHOA tangent,,,sorry)..

your blog helped me realize maybe one minutiae of how his mom felt when she was having 200 seizures in a month and that is HUGEly important for me to appreciate as a 'someday DIL' and a "someday mom too'.. and I just wanted to say THANK YOU so much. and keep the honesty and authenticity coming as I love it and will follow:)

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

How scary that must have been...I have read lots of your older posts tonight and love your blog....and you have one of the most colorful and beautiful sites . Love it...

VKT said...

Bless your heart dear lady! I can't even begin to imagine the fear you experienced. I am going to add your sweet son to my prayer list and pray that he stays in remission. What a strong Mommy God has blessed your son with.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

You are an awesome momma!

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